This is an essay I wrote for my English 105 class freshman year. The rhetorical writing device we were learning was process analysis. I decided to take a sarcastic and humorous take on this subject of giving directions for a process, and I turned my essay into a guide on how to procrastinate.
A Beginner’s Guide To Procrastination: How To Do What You Shouldn’t Be Doing
If you’re like me, you procrastinate a lot. I’ve even put off writing this essay until the last minute. I can never seem to do anything when I’m supposed to. Whether it’s balancing my checkbook, cleaning my room, or doing my math homework, I’ll surely save it for the next day… or maybe even the day after that. If you’re just so good at accomplishing tasks quickly that you think you could use a little break sometimes, keep reading. There is a lot you can do to fail at being productive.
Are you one of those people who get home from class and do your homework right away? If so, you need to stop that. That is definitely no way to become less productive. Instead, try doing something you actually want to do when you get done with class for the day. Go play a game of football with your friends. Maybe take a trip to the mall to buy that new CD you’ve been wanting. If all else fails, watching that new two hour American Idol episode is a sure way to waste your time. Whatever you do, don’t pick up that calculus book! It can wait another hour (or six). They say that time is of the essence, but I say you’ve been spending too much time buried in those books. Get out there and have some fun. You can always do your homework tomorrow ten minutes before class.
Is it your obsessive cleaning that seems to be the problem? Put that vacuum cleaner down. Who needs a clean dorm room anyway? You spend most of your day in class, the library, going to the dining hall, and hanging out with your friends. Who cares if your room is a little bit messy? I promise, no one will know how many times you’ve organized your desk drawers this week, or that you didn’t get to put your DVD collection in alphabetical order. Why spend half of a Saturday inside tidying up when you could be outside enjoying the beautiful day? If it’s raining, don’t worry. There are other things you can do to enjoy yourself. How about watching a movie with your friends? Maybe spend some quality time uploading pictures on Facebook. I know I’d much rather be doing those things than cleaning. Besides, you’re so good at being neat, you deserve a break. Live a little bit, just this once. Your dirty clothes will still be on the floor tomorrow, or next weekend.
Do you go to the gym every single morning before class? If so, that’s impressive. I know you’re trying to stay healthy and in shape, but I’m sure you could really use a break. Why don’t you do what I would do and sleep in tomorrow morning instead? When your alarm clock starts whining at seven in the morning, just shut it off and go back to sleep. You can afford to lose a day in your workout routine. Sleep just feels so much better than running on a treadmill, and it’s just as good for you! Plus you won’t have to venture outside into the arctic air before you’re even awake. Think of how much more rested you will feel later in the day, and no achy muscles! Trust me; your body will thank you. Maybe not in the long run, but that’s fine. When you’re forty years old and extremely overweight, at least you can look back and say, “Wow, I really loved those days of sleeping in! Where did college go?”
Most of us don’t need any help in the procrastination department. We lie to ourselves and find other things to do to avoid what actually needs to get done. Why do what you should do when you could be doing what you want to do? You have probably even caught yourself actually doing and saying some of these things. If not, then maybe you should take some of my advice. Besides, you only live once!
Are you one of those people who get home from class and do your homework right away? If so, you need to stop that. That is definitely no way to become less productive. Instead, try doing something you actually want to do when you get done with class for the day. Go play a game of football with your friends. Maybe take a trip to the mall to buy that new CD you’ve been wanting. If all else fails, watching that new two hour American Idol episode is a sure way to waste your time. Whatever you do, don’t pick up that calculus book! It can wait another hour (or six). They say that time is of the essence, but I say you’ve been spending too much time buried in those books. Get out there and have some fun. You can always do your homework tomorrow ten minutes before class.
Is it your obsessive cleaning that seems to be the problem? Put that vacuum cleaner down. Who needs a clean dorm room anyway? You spend most of your day in class, the library, going to the dining hall, and hanging out with your friends. Who cares if your room is a little bit messy? I promise, no one will know how many times you’ve organized your desk drawers this week, or that you didn’t get to put your DVD collection in alphabetical order. Why spend half of a Saturday inside tidying up when you could be outside enjoying the beautiful day? If it’s raining, don’t worry. There are other things you can do to enjoy yourself. How about watching a movie with your friends? Maybe spend some quality time uploading pictures on Facebook. I know I’d much rather be doing those things than cleaning. Besides, you’re so good at being neat, you deserve a break. Live a little bit, just this once. Your dirty clothes will still be on the floor tomorrow, or next weekend.
Do you go to the gym every single morning before class? If so, that’s impressive. I know you’re trying to stay healthy and in shape, but I’m sure you could really use a break. Why don’t you do what I would do and sleep in tomorrow morning instead? When your alarm clock starts whining at seven in the morning, just shut it off and go back to sleep. You can afford to lose a day in your workout routine. Sleep just feels so much better than running on a treadmill, and it’s just as good for you! Plus you won’t have to venture outside into the arctic air before you’re even awake. Think of how much more rested you will feel later in the day, and no achy muscles! Trust me; your body will thank you. Maybe not in the long run, but that’s fine. When you’re forty years old and extremely overweight, at least you can look back and say, “Wow, I really loved those days of sleeping in! Where did college go?”
Most of us don’t need any help in the procrastination department. We lie to ourselves and find other things to do to avoid what actually needs to get done. Why do what you should do when you could be doing what you want to do? You have probably even caught yourself actually doing and saying some of these things. If not, then maybe you should take some of my advice. Besides, you only live once!
This next piece is also from English 105. The rhetorical device being studied here is called Argument/Persuasion. The task for my essay was to write an e-mail to my friend persuading her to pay more attention to the dangers of alcohol, after she blacked out at a party.
Careful, Friend: The Dangers of Binge Drinking
It’s our freshman year of college, and of course we all want to have fun. At the same time, we are stressed and challenged daily by our rigorous schedules. It is often hard to balance our lives, and that combined with our new found sense of freedom can sometimes make us look for an escape from it all. What better escape than alcohol; that forbidden fruit? While it is normal to experiment with drinking in college, everyone should have boundaries and limitations. If you make the decision to drink, you must learn to become responsible for yourself and your actions in order to avoid potentially dangerous situations.
Drinking is a common activity across college campuses. Most students, whether they have previously consumed alcohol or not, will at least try alcohol once they get to college. The problem is that many get into the “partying” atmosphere and begin drinking large amounts of alcohol in short periods of time. This is known as binge drinking. Engaging in this activity carries several risks with it. If you drink too much, you could get alcohol poisoning, which leads to vomiting, coma, or even death. If it becomes a habit, you could develop liver damage. In addition, getting into a pattern of heavy drinking can lead to alcoholism, especially if you are prone to developing it. By binge drinking, you are putting yourself at serious risk.
It’s no surprise that college students are so prone to binge drinking when everyone seems to be doing it. This is because our society associates college with partying. The common assumption is that all college students drink heavily, and often. Animal House is one of the most popular college movies, and coincidentally one of the funniest. It shows college as being more about partying and less about getting an education. What about music? I can think of two songs that have come out just this year about alcohol consumption. Asher Roth tells us that life is one big party and that “time isn’t wasted when you’re getting wasted” in his song “I Love College”. Jamie Foxx says we can “Blame It” on the alcohol when we take our clothes off and have promiscuous sex. We are taught that alcohol makes us invincible, but this is not true at all. In fact, when under the influence of alcohol, it is necessary to be more aware of what is going on around you. When someone drinks, it causes them to do things they may not normally do sober. If you then drink so much that you pass out on the floor all night, it creates a bad combination. Who knows what could happen to you?
Being new to the college experience is hard enough. On top of the workload, you have to worry about making friends and fitting in. It’s like starting high school all over again with new people, pressures, and dangers. If you experiment with alcohol, you are taking a risk. In order to keep that risk to a minimum, it is essential to be in control of yourself when drinking. By becoming heavily intoxicated, you not only risk harming your own body, but you are left open to the possibility that someone else will harm you as well. I urge everyone who drinks to be sure you are doing so responsibly. By failing to do this, control over your life is taken out of your own hands and put into the hands of danger.
Drinking is a common activity across college campuses. Most students, whether they have previously consumed alcohol or not, will at least try alcohol once they get to college. The problem is that many get into the “partying” atmosphere and begin drinking large amounts of alcohol in short periods of time. This is known as binge drinking. Engaging in this activity carries several risks with it. If you drink too much, you could get alcohol poisoning, which leads to vomiting, coma, or even death. If it becomes a habit, you could develop liver damage. In addition, getting into a pattern of heavy drinking can lead to alcoholism, especially if you are prone to developing it. By binge drinking, you are putting yourself at serious risk.
It’s no surprise that college students are so prone to binge drinking when everyone seems to be doing it. This is because our society associates college with partying. The common assumption is that all college students drink heavily, and often. Animal House is one of the most popular college movies, and coincidentally one of the funniest. It shows college as being more about partying and less about getting an education. What about music? I can think of two songs that have come out just this year about alcohol consumption. Asher Roth tells us that life is one big party and that “time isn’t wasted when you’re getting wasted” in his song “I Love College”. Jamie Foxx says we can “Blame It” on the alcohol when we take our clothes off and have promiscuous sex. We are taught that alcohol makes us invincible, but this is not true at all. In fact, when under the influence of alcohol, it is necessary to be more aware of what is going on around you. When someone drinks, it causes them to do things they may not normally do sober. If you then drink so much that you pass out on the floor all night, it creates a bad combination. Who knows what could happen to you?
Being new to the college experience is hard enough. On top of the workload, you have to worry about making friends and fitting in. It’s like starting high school all over again with new people, pressures, and dangers. If you experiment with alcohol, you are taking a risk. In order to keep that risk to a minimum, it is essential to be in control of yourself when drinking. By becoming heavily intoxicated, you not only risk harming your own body, but you are left open to the possibility that someone else will harm you as well. I urge everyone who drinks to be sure you are doing so responsibly. By failing to do this, control over your life is taken out of your own hands and put into the hands of danger.
